Ponderings · and · Remebereances

I'm home again, Tonight was a lovely night. Elizabeth was kind enough to take e to her Villa for a private dinner after the scene in the common room earlier. I accidentally let it slip that I was planning to leave the Crown for less expensive lodgings. Elizabeth has invited me to move to the Villa with her as a guest, I accepted though I begin to wonder about her generosity. I know that she would never harbor any ill toward me but I can't help but wonder why she has be so kind to me. But perhaps I am just trying to see something that is not there, best not to dwell on such when the mind is not fully awake. I wrote a note begging Gabriel to meet me tomorrow night, I pray that he will come... I need to be with him to let him know that I well and truly love him, I would do most anything for him. But alas dear journal it is so very late and I have so much work to do come the dawn. I must search through my few gowns and see if I can find one suitable for the ball, or freshen up the emerald affair I wore tonight; I wonder if I could put glamour on it? I must begin packing my things to go to the Villa. So thus yawning I bid you goodnight.

Dearest journal,

The lieutenancy exams were today, I passed! along with Gabriel and Corwin. I was terrified while in the examination room, I was certain I had failed. Commander Maurbury is transferring Gabriel to the Wasp as first Lieutenant I would have hugged Gabe if it where acceptable! Then I received a shock, I have been transferred to the Wasp as the captain of the air-to-air and air-to-ground units! I will be responsible for building the tactical maneuvers and strategies for them as well as training the new recruits. Gods I pray I do not let Commanders Maurbury and Motson down. Commander Maurbury also told us in the strictest of confidences a little about his past as it related to Gabriel's and my relationship, with a kind warning to always remember duty before love.

On the walk back to the crown Gabriel and I where in high spirits until I had to deny him a private diner and celebration tonight as I was already engaged for dinner. It broke my heart to tell him I couldn't join him. Matters only got worse as we had both forgotten that Greenwoods is tomorrow. He asked me if I wanted to go. Gods the look in his eyes when I told him I had already agreed to go with Elizabeth. I tried to invite him to a small and short celebration before dinner at the least, he declined claiming he needed to return to Hucks Peak. I could see right though the excuse and it hurt that he was shutting me out so swiftly. I gave it one last try at my room, inviting him in for a drink... he denied me again and with a heavy heart I bid him goodnight.

Dear journal if that were only the end of it.... once I was dressed and ready for dinner. I felt terribly exposed Ambrose said that was because I was dressed like and woman and that is something I’m unaccustomed to. Elizabeth came for me. we had time before dinner, we where about to find a table and have some tea when Gabriel walked back into the Crown. when I saw him he looked thunderstruck, looking at me as if I was something else entirely. I think I said his name because Elizabeth took note of us. He came over to us, his eyes looked like twin pools of dark fire, burning into my being I couldn’t remove my eyes from his. I remembered belatedly to introduce him to Elizabeth. He left abruptly afterwards for his room... I never wanted anything as much as I wanted to run after him and beg for his forgiveness. my heart still aches with every thought that he is wounded by my actions and sitting alone in his rooms instead of enjoying the evening.

Gabriel will you forgive me? I would give anything to know that you... that you where not as I fear sitting alone right now. If I could I would throw away all convention and go to you right now.